20 things to worry about instead of that thing you’re worried about

Hey, I get it. It’s the season for worrying – meaning it’s between January and December, inclusive, of any calendar year. Fretting is a national sport lately, and for women, there’s often lots more to fret about: Will health care cover me, even though I have the preexisting condition of lacking testes? Do I make as much as a man for doing the same work? Are my kids okay? Am I pregnant? Am I infertile? Do I want kids? WHY ARE BOOBS?

Put down that chamomile tea! It’s nasty! Instead, peruse this list of alternate things you could worry about to distract yourself from your perfectly reasonable, but possibly obsessive, perturbation.

  • What if, one day, you go to pull off your sock and it’s a bag of toes because they all just fell off unexpectedly?
  • What if dogs are judging us?
  • What if autism causes vaccines?
  • Does the cheese want to stand alone?
  • Why is the middle finger the troublemaker? Is it proud of this or is it a source of shame? Does the ring finger act all sanctimonious?  
  • What if boobs are actually full of snot and every time you blow your nose you’re making them smaller?
  • What if your middle name is a lie?
  • What if Taylor Swift runs for office?
  • What if the astronauts left something important on the moon, like their credit cards or that sandwich they brought for lunch?
  • Dust mites!
  • Why is it wedge heels, not wedge toes?
  • What if Corey Feldman does a whole album?
  • Does anybody remember laughter?
  • Am I supposed to care if things make my butt look fat?
  • Why does Sam care so much whether someone likes Green Eggs and Ham? Like what’s his deal?
  • Why do spice bottles have holes too small for the spice to get through?
  • At what point do I just give up on my pinky toenail?
  • Sidewalk grates!
  • If the pointy part of a fork is a tine, and the pointy part of a knife is a blade, what is the spoony part of a spoon?
  • How did anyone figure out how to eat artichokes?

Read Amy’s bio here. 

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